Today, Memorial Day 2012, is a day of mixed emotions for me. On the one hand, I have blessings all around me. On the other, I have deep sorrows in my heart.
Memorial Day is always tough for me. I'm sure it is for many others as well. It's a day to honor and remember the lives of those whom we've loved and lost. Yet, with that, often comes sorrow. It's a double edged sword really. We want to remember, yet, our remembrance causes pain. By remembering who we've lost, we're made aware of just how much we miss them.
Such is the case for me today. My husband and I lost our first son Tanner in 1997. Every Memorial Day, we visit his grave site in order to place flowers there in remembrance of him. As I stand in front of his grave, my mind wanders to places where experiences were denied and memories were lost. I wonder how tall Tanner would be today had he lived. What would he sound like? What would he look like? I think about how wonderful it would have been for my son Tyler to have his big brother with him today. What things would they be sharing? Would Tanner be a protective big brother to his little sister, Serenity? I find myself remembering that he would be getting ready to drive within the next year. What would his favorite color be? What kind of music would he like?
As all of these thoughts flood into my mind, sorrow floods into my heart. I miss my son. I feel as if there is a void in my heart that can never be filled because it will always belong to Tanner. There are so many things I wanted to share with him, yet, I never got the chance.
Today, as I struggle through my remembrance of Tanner, I am also reminded of the blessings I have in my life. I think about my handsome son, Tyler, who is himself, a miracle. He is a survivor of an aggressive blood cancer called Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. He battled the disease for over 3 years and survived! I think about how there was a time when I didn't know if I'd lose him too. I look at Tyler today and my heart swells up to the size of a watermelon with happiness and thanks for his life. Then I look at my beautiful daughter, Serenity, and my heart swells even more. Then, just as I think my heart couldn't get any bigger, I look at my husband, Terry, and my heart swells to the point I'm sure it will burst.
Talk about "Orderly Chaos!" How is it possible that the human heart can be breaking and rejoicing at the same time? It does though. Believe me, I'm living proof of it. While I'm reminded of all that I've lost, I'm also reminded of all that I've got. I will forever miss Tanner, but I thank God for the blessings I still have with me.
On this Memorial Day, I pray for everyone who has lost a loved one. It is such a devastating thing to endure. I pray that as we filter through the pain and sorrow of those losses, we will recognize the gifts we still have. May we become efficient at balancing what we still have against that which we have lost. And may we never forget either.
I love you Tanner. You will always be with us!
Jennifer, Again I am sorry for your tremendous loss and for the other trials you have endured. I loved your words; they are an encouragement to everyone who has ever lost a loved one. A parent should never have to bury one of their children; that is the hardest loss I can imagine.
ReplyDeleteI understand your trial with Leukemia, but as a grandparent. Isabelle had AMPL; very rare in children. She is doing great and has just under two years left on her maintenance treatment.
I have tried to subscribe to your blog, but I can't figure out how. Why does wordpress make it so difficult?
How do I make money from playing games and earning
ReplyDeleteThese are the 출장마사지 three most bsjeon.net popular forms หารายได้เสริม of gambling, and are explained in a very concise and concise kadangpintar manner. 출장안마 The most common forms of gambling are: